compare and contrast

For our design writing module we were asked last week to write 200 words about our project.  When we came to class we pinned them all up on a board and left feedback for one another – this was to inform us when it came to producing a second draft.  Writing does not come easily to me (I don’t think I’m alone here), it’s really is like getting blood from a stone, but there is a certain satisfaction when a turn of phrase slots into place – though this is a rare occurence.  I have kept a journal on and off since I was a 13, but apart from that I’ve never done anything other than academic writing, so I feel my style is a bit stilted.  I am hoping that with practice I might loosen up a bit and find my own voice.

So, here are my before and after drafts…

The Place We Don’t See [1]

They provide us with picnic sites, shortcuts and dog walking ground; hideaways, kite flying, and breathing space – but how do we evaluate the true value of open space?  Writer and scholar Michel De Certeau posited that individuals create their own tactics with relation to shared public space, thereby imbuing each space with layers of hidden personal meanings.  Without a clear understanding of their true worth, city planning departments risk jeopardising the very communities they seek to serve.
So how do we define open space?  Is it synonymous with public space?  Jane Jacobs wrote that local identity is strengthened by the everyday personal exchanges that take place on our streets; that without a healthy public life society becomes fragmented. Shared public space, especially that which communities have some say over, has been shown to increase a sense of belonging: such as the numerous community gardens which bloomed in New York during the 60’s – gardens built by immigrants keen to replicate a little piece of home (many of which have subsequently been sold to private developers).
By examining these personal geographies maybe we will see that “Public life is the social glue of cities; public space its physical expression” (Carolyn Steel).

Comments from peers:  (This session we were asked to give positive feedback)

“Opening with a question makes the reader think and question their own opinions.”

“Focus on why do this project and has a broad reference.”

“Clear introduction and has a good structure!”

“Clear information.”

“I like the drama in the first paragraph – question / ‘jeopardising’.  Keeps reader interested and excited to see the next part.”

The Place We Don’t See [2]

They provide us with picnic sites, shortcuts and dog walking ground; hideaways, kite flying, and breathing space – but how do we evaluate the true value of open space?  Writer and scholar Michel De Certeau posited that individuals create their own tactics with relation to shared public space, thereby imbuing each space with layers of hidden personal meanings.  Without a clear understanding of their true worth, city planning departments risk jeopardising the very communities they seek to serve.
Open space has tremendous value.  It can strengthen personal relationships, increase opportunities for leisure and relaxation, improve quality of life, and contribute to a stronger sense of local identity.  Shared spaces can soften the corners of the city and act as a natural magnet for a whole range of social interactions – all the more important in this northern country where so much of our lives take place behind closed doors.  By developing a toolkit of methods with the community, a deeper engagement with these spaces can occur.  Whether by creating community maps, talking guided tours with local dog walkers or holding guerilla tea parties, we will see the real promise and potential of these spaces emerge.

Comments from peers: (This time we were asked to give both positive and critical feedback)

“Sets the scene well – good flow.  Unsure of the word ‘They’ at the beginning and who you mean.”

“Final statement is uplifting and positive – although more information on which methods would be interesting.”

“Still like this project and feel it’s clear, not sure if the 1st piece of writing you done stood out more.  Think you can take bits from both.”

“Good description, maybe change ‘open space’.”

“Good opening question – sets mood for reader + explains clearly the type of space and what aspect of it you want to look at.”

“First sentence sets the scene well.  ‘They’ – who?”

“Good description of the objectives and the value of open  space.”

“Not sure if the words ‘open space’ should begin the first paragraph.  A good descriptionon the benefits of open space and activity.”

I loved my opening sentence, but since four people (!) questioned the use of ‘they’, I guess it isn’t as clear as I thought.  Back to the drawing (writing) board…